Kayleb Rae Candrilli, 2017 Lambda Literary Fellow

Kayleb Rae Candrilli, 2017 Lambda Literary Fellow



[Applause] toward top surgery and the impending death of the Barrier Reef well my breasts are finally removed I imagine they will be made into mountains elsewhere a popular hiking destination the boys will hold what used to be my body up and on a pedestal or perhaps they will climb until something structural breaks and the mountains plateaus – just an average flat topography in this life fire lives in the water rent free and swan boats are the last viable mode of transportation romance in the new millennium is – translating as bird necks wrap their wrists to tighten my boyfriend talks about my top surgery like I have never Centuri stillness they talk about bed rest on a saltwater raft floating with no oars for months how thirsty can two boys on a raft become they say you will not turn crescents into blood moons with blown stitches they say you will never be the same isn't that something as a child I read and rear-ended the story of a girl who wore a forest green ribbon around her neck for a lifetime and as she lay dying the ribbon was on time of her hand at the floor the forest was slashed and burned and her funeral everyone was talking about the benefits of deforestation and guillotines what is a whole length of denying the truth of your body she if I'm used to wrapping my chest an ace bandage does that mean I've always been bleeding doesn't mean I am the only thing together everyone in America speaks fluid laceration with their diamond studded tongues oral sex is that new corn field tilled until death do us part God agriculture is so violently and I have lusted toward brother blood runs the hoe the scalpel a sharp break and eroded till that pushed across mine our glands milk as a miracle room god I wish I could touch myself with any tenderness any soft human tool they say anesthesia is an ocean of calm until oil hits the water intubation is an anchor until it's stacked on the ocean floor complications of double mastectomies include clogged coral burst arteries death but already when pelicans open their mouths the world only remembers how to save Jaco and point a swollen finger anywhere but inward it is true the reef is almost dead but I am [Applause] my future husband we have yet to learn so many things can you feel the beauty of our knowing I tell you that removing parts of my body is preservation of the last rainforest you say something always has to die for the rest to live you packed so much acceptance into your pants that I am overwhelmed by your goodness we will spend half of our lives and then together there I take the heat off your back with my mouth and feel rough fevers of affection husband you kissed my upper lip when it's shaved and when it isn't you kissed the head of my cause it leads I kiss your blood right back what a simple and complete

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