Jordan Harbinger: “Art of Charm: Social Capital – People Buy You” | Talks at Google

Jordan Harbinger: “Art of Charm: Social Capital – People Buy You” | Talks at Google


SPEAKER: Thanks for joining us
at this Talks at Google event, everyone here and
on the live stream and watching the
video recording. We’re lucky to be joined
today by Jordan Harbinger. Some applause, please. JORDAN HARBINGER: Yeah. [APPLAUSE] SPEAKER: I missed the cue. JORDAN HARBINGER: When you
force it, it means so much. SPEAKER: Means a
lot, means a lot. So Jordan, he’s the host
of the successful podcast, “The Art of Charm,” which
focuses on psychology, performance, life, and success. And he’s brought a wide range
of people onto the show, from celebrities, to
subject matter experts in the sciences and the arts. He recently had Neil
deGrasse Tyson on, which was a pretty awesome
episode, I might say. Definitely check that one out. And he’s going to be
talking to us today about building relationships
and social capital, so some very interesting stuff. And if we have time, we
might hear a little bit about a story of how he
was kidnapped in Serbia. So we’ll just leave that
to be expanded further. So without further
ado, here’s Jordan. JORDAN HARBINGER:
Thank you very much. [APPLAUSE] Good, the second
round, everybody was on point with the applause. I appreciate that a lot. It’s great to be
speaking here at Google. It’s great to be speaking
in front of a room of people at all. Because a few short years
ago, I was extremely shy. Actually, shy is not even a
word for it, actually at all. It was more like
crippling anxiety. Especially as a kid, I
hated being in school. I hated being
around other people. I don’t know, something like,
they’re all looking at me. I’m sure one or two
of you in the audience have seen or felt like that
at some point in your life, especially when you’re younger. And so I started
skipping school a lot. And it went a little
something like this. Get up, get dressed, get
on the bus, go to school, and then immediately show
up for maybe one class, or try to show up for a few
classes, or just turn around and walk home. And it wasn’t the
cool kind of skipping school where you’re going
to fancy restaurants and dancing on parade
floats like Ferris Bueller, but the kind of skipping school
where your parents come home at 4 PM or 5 PM and
find you playing video games in your underwear. So that system, the education
thing, the formal education thing really wasn’t
working for me at all. And I started to
get my act together a little bit when I was
older, in high school/college. And I graduated from the
University of Michigan undergrad. And my friends all had
bright futures ahead of them. They were going to
work at AOL, which was a big deal at that point
in time, right, heard of that? And other people were working
in finance and things like that, and buying their newly back
in fashion acid wash jeans, and heading off to New York. And I wasn’t really sure
what I wanted to do. I needed a little bit more
time to figure it out. I’m sure we’ve all
heard that phrase, or used that phrase
before as well. And so one day, I got
up bright and early, because I needed a new Discman,
the one with anti-skip, because when you’re
rollerblading, that’s what you need. Otherwise it bumps around
all over the place. And I think I just ripped
space-time with that ’98 reference there. But you need to
have the mega bass. You need to have the anti-skip. And frankly, 2 PM was
about the time I rolled in. Because it was college,
so bright and early is a relative term. But I started talking with the
guy that worked at Best Buy. And he said you know a
lot about this stuff, what are you doing after college? And I thought, well,
you’re looking at it, man. This is what I’m
doing right now, and maybe I should work
here for the summer. I know how to fix computers. I know how to build computers. I can install software,
remove software. This is the late ’90s or early
2000s at this point, I think. And this is a perfect
job for me, right? I can easily fall
into this field. And he said, slow
your roll, man. You have to work selling
music, CDs, and things like that, the remnants of the
cassette section at Best Buy, before you can move up to
computer repair and customer service. So all my friends with
their bright futures– I saw my bright future
go down the toilet in front of a life-sized
cut out of Britney Spears. So that system wasn’t
working for me, still not working for me. And I did what a
lot of people do when they run out of
career options entirely and they’re backed
against the wall and they feel like they have no
future, and I became a lawyer. And so of course, I’m stuck
in law school thinking, OK, this just bought me
three more years. Good plan. Everybody says you
can get a great job once you get out of law school. This is for sure going to be
a winning strategy for me. And I really felt out of
place most of the time, if not the entire time. I felt out of place the
vast majority of the time. And that’s called
imposter syndrome, and pretty much
everybody has this. I don’t know how you felt when
you got hired here at Google. And everywhere that I go speak,
there’s always some measure of people– and we won’t
even do a show of hands, because it’s so predictable
every single time– there’s always some measure
of people, the majority, in fact, who think that they’re
the group or the person that slipped through the cracks,
and that at some point, they’re going to get found
out, that they don’t really know what they’re doing,
or they’re not really as talented as everybody
else in the room. And it’s only a matter
of time until they get found out, and
possibly or likely fired. And that is what
I had in my head when I started working
on Wall Street. Now, the guy who hired
me, his name was Dave. And Dave was cool. And no lawyers
were cool, really. And that’s kind
of a general rule, but especially at
this particular firm, there weren’t a
whole lot of guys that were doing finance
that were really well-respected by everybody. And everybody thought
Dave was just the man. And he was a guy from
Brooklyn, and he had a tan. So obviously, he knew something
that other people did not know. When you’re from Brooklyn and
you have a tan, take notes, right? Everybody needs to
take notes on that. And this guy was never
in the office, ever. And if there’s something that
you might know about lawyers, it’s that they bill in
six-minute increments generally. And this is what they’re
doing when they’re in every phase of
their work day, they’re billing in these
little increments of time. So they stay in the office
all day, oftentimes all night. And everybody was working
all the time, especially on Wall Street in 2007-2008. One time I went up to my office
on a Saturday night, maybe even a Friday night, to show
it off to my friends. This is probably my
first month on the job. And I thought, I’m going to
go up in this big Manhattan skyscraper, open up
a bottle of whisky. We’re going to hang
out in my office, and talk about how we all
finally made it to New York and we’re doing really well. And when I opened
the elevator door on the 42nd floor of
World Financial Number 2, the place looked
like Monday morning. Everybody was in there. I’m talking everybody,
except for our summer class, which is what I was in. All the partners were there. All of the associates,
junior and senior were there. They were closing
some deal, and it was kind of a normal situation. I didn’t know that at the time. I actually went back
in the elevator, pushed the ground floor button,
and got the hell out of there, obviously, as fast as I
could, before they gave me some paperwork or some
documents to review. Because I wanted
to continue my life and my evening and my weekend. But what ended up being
really frightening was when I went back to
work on Monday morning, I asked a senior
associate, what’s the deal? Why are there so many people
in the office on a weekend? Are we closing a big deal? Or we short-staffed? What’s the problem? And he said, no man, we’re
always here at this time. There’s not a weekend that goes
by that we’re not here 10:00 PM, 11:00 PM, 1:00-2:00
in the morning. If there’s any work to
be had, we’re doing it. I mean, we bill in
six-minute increments. There’s one guy that wasn’t
there, besides me of course. Dave was not there. Dave was nowhere to be found. Dave wasn’t there at
2:00 AM on a Saturday, and he certainly wasn’t there
at 2:00 PM on a Tuesday. And this was so confusing to me. And luckily, Dave was assigned
by HR to be my mentor, and not the kind of mentor
where it’s like, oh, we’re on the top floor,
doing oyster shooters with Matthew McConaughey like
on “Wolf of Wall Street.” Not that kind of mentor. This is the kind
of mentor where HR is like, you have to
hang out with this guy twice, check the boxes when you
do so that we know you mentored this person during the summer. And he was thrilled about
it, as you might imagine. Everybody else that was on
this mentorship program that was in the law firm was
going to see Blue Man Group, to put a little bit
of a time stamp on it. To go out for drinks and
have $190 seafood lunches. And my mentor was being
forced at this point, now that I ratted
him out– pro tip, never do that– to HR, he was
being forced to take me out for coffee in essentially,
the basement of our building, and mentor me by force. And what that entailed was him
banging away on his BlackBerry with a full keyboard and
black and white screen, probably playing
“Brick Breaker,” which is still one of the
best games of all time on any mobile platform. He asked me– or told me,
rather– to ask him anything. And at this point, I
didn’t have a whole lot of questions lined up, right? I had just figured mentorship
was kind of unidirectional. I didn’t know that I had to
play a part in this other than showing up, which shows
my understanding of Wall Street at that time. But he didn’t have
a clue either. So the first
question that I asked him was something
that I was pretty sure was going to get me fired. But I didn’t care at this point. Because again, I thought
it’s only a matter of time till they find me out
anyway, I might as well get this one of my chest. And I said, how come everyone
is always in the office, always billing hours, always billing
in six-minute increments, but you’re never here. What are you doing all day? What do you do at our law firm? And he put down his BlackBerry,
and he leaned in, and he said, who’s talking about
what I do all day? And at this point,
I’m just like, this is how you get
fired at Starbucks. For sure, in front
of all these people, I’m going to get reamed out
by a partner and walk home. I’mma leave my phone there. I’m not going to
go back and get it. This is it. This is the end. It’s going to be the most
embarrassing time in my life. And of course, I
backtracked like crazy. And I said, well,
some people here maybe have mentioned that you’re just
not around a lot, I don’t know. I’m busy working, so
I didn’t even notice. [LAUGHTER] But he goes well look, let
me be honest with you man, I bring in all of the deals
for our real estate department. I go out and I meet potential
clients, which at that point were investment bankers. And I do things with them
that create relationships, and then they give us business. That’s why we have new
million dollar deals every couple of months, or
every quarter here at the firm. And I was
super-confused by this, because it didn’t occur to
me that going out and getting relationships with people
would somehow bring benefit. I thought people found law
firms in the Yellow Pages, and hired them and that was it. Or maybe they were
really good at something, and so people noticed,
and then they hired them because of that reason. And that turns out to be
only part of the equation. So what Dave was actually
doing was lead gen, business development,
networking, relationship development,
whatever you want to call it. But it was very informal. The reason he had a tan
was because he was always outside golfing, or running,
or cycling with these bankers. He did ju jitsu, which
made him walk with a limp. By the way, I don’t know
why people still do that. Everybody I know who
does ju jitsu is injured. But he would go on
charity cruises. He would go out to lunch
with people all the time. He would go on charity dinners. He was always gone for the
weekend at someone’s house in the Hamptons. And at that time,
being 26, 27 years old, that sounded amazing, not just
because it sounded relatively easier than checking for
commas in 800-page documents, which is what I was
doing most of the time, but because I actually had
some inkling that I would never get better at the
lawyer side of things. I couldn’t make myself smarter. And my competitive
advantages had evaporated. Because when I was a kid,
I got by a little bit on general smarts. I’m sure y’all are
familiar with that. You go to school, and
you just kind of show up, and it’s not that hard, right? All the way through high school,
but then you get to college, and even if everyone is as
smart as you, 90% of the people there are drinking their
face off every single day. And you just kind of have
to focus in even a minor way to outdo those folks,
and outwork them. And that worked in
law school as well. But by the time you
get to Wall Street, everybody is willing to
work, and everybody is smart. And I was sure as heck convinced
that they were smarter than me. And that became a
huge problem, because any competitive advantage
that I had been leaning on for my entire life
had essentially evaporated the moment I walked
in the door of that firm. And I started at the
bottom of the totem pole, with no plan on how
to work my way up. And so the things that
Dave was talking about, this networking, this
relationship development, this changed the way that I
looked at work forever. Because if he can
learn this skill set, or if he can have this,
and I can maybe figure out how to do part of that stuff– if I can figure out some ways in
which I can increase my skills in that area, by the time all
these really smart people that are working with me on the same
level figure out they even need to do this, I’ll already
have a four-, five-, six-year advantage. I’ll have a long
leg up in this race. This is kind of a tortoise and
the hare-type thing, right? So if I start now, maybe if
I stick around long enough and don’t get fired
before then, I’ll actually have a fighting
chance at making partner. That’s my plan to get to
the top of the law game. You know how that
turned out, so I don’t need to explain that one. But this was just such a
massive, massive realization for me. And it really, really
changed the way that I started to think
about relationships, and that I started to
think about my work there. It was sort of a secret
third path to get to the top that nobody else was aware of. Now Dave was not the
most skilled lawyer. He was not the smartest lawyer. He was just the
best-connected lawyer. And that sounds a
little bit troubling, because obviously,
you want people who are competent to be on the top. It wasn’t that he
was incompetent. I just want to make
that really clear. It wasn’t just that
he got by on charm. It wasn’t just that he
got by on relationships. He worked his way
towards the top. But his relationships are what
pulled him and propelled him, I should say, over the
top early in the game, and kept him up there. Because as somebody with very
rare people skills and sales skills, essentially, for
client development, networking, whatever you want to call it– those skills are so rare
in technical professions like being a lawyer, doctor,
dentist, Google perhaps– that they’re actually
so rare that they demand higher compensation. And they get you into doors
that would otherwise maybe be closed to you, at least
for a few more years. And since they
were so rare, they made him so valuable
to the firm. And this was a guy, bear in
mind, who when he hired me, I saw him. When they forced him to
mentor me, I saw him. And the third time
that I saw him, he was in the elevator
for an all-hands meeting with the managing
partner, essentially the CEO of the firm. And he joked, is there some kind
of emergency meeting going on? What are you doing here? So it became almost meme,
a joke inside the firm that Dave was showing
up at any given time, because it was so rare it
was an event that everybody started talking about, and
actually made jokes about. So this is how we calculated
his hourly value, right? We looked at his time
spent in the firm, every six-minute increment
was worth a certain amount of money, with him billing
out at about $800 an hour. If he brings in a
million dollar law deal, and he spends 40,
100, 200 hours working on that particular deal,
every single deal that he gets is worth– I won’t do the math
for you, because that’s why I became a
lawyer, first of all. They don’t have a lot of math. It’s a hell of a lot
more than $800 an hour. And those deals stack
on to each other. Because you get deals
from the same people. So his time was worth more than
any other partner in the firm, probably worth more than most
of the other partners’ time combined in the firm. So he was able to
write his own ticket. And that’s why, when I
realized that you needed to work outside
the system in order to succeed inside
the system, I started to get my notepad
out and take notes. Because I figured if I
can master this skill set, then the sky’s the limit. In the professional spheres,
in any technical profession, and in any profession whatsoever
that I’ve ever encountered, the strength of
your relationships translates directly to
opportunity, prosperity, and flexibility. And these are all separate,
but they’re all equally important in many, many ways. And that has to do with
what you end up doing now, five years from now,
10 years from now, how you’re compensated
for doing that, and where you’re doing that. And it’s a safe bet that a
handful of people in this room like networking. I definitely don’t even
like the word networking. I think it’s kind of got a
dirty, kind of crusty feel to it these days. Because it’s smarmy, right? You think, throwing business
cards in someone’s face, and being like, call me when
you need a financial manager. And nobody likes those people. So it makes you feel
dirty thinking– and I don’t want to do this. If I don’t have to be
that guy, and I just keep my head down and work,
I’ll get to the top of this. And to a certain extent,
that may be true. But the rest of us, we hate
networking for that reason. And that actually harms us,
because that’s not the only way to get relationships built.
It’s not the only way to build relationships
with other people, and keep them, and maintain
them, and grow them over time. And that’s why there’s
that fundamental difference that we have in our
heads of what networking is, how it works, and how we
might learn it or not learn it, depending on how angsty we get
around that particular term. At “The Art of Charm,”
we teach people how to leverage opportunity,
leverage relationships, get deals that competitors can
only dream about due to those relationships, and turn
something that most of us dread secretly or
not so secretly into one of our strongest
competitive advantages. And no surprise, the old trope
it’s all about who you know, not what you know– that gets thrown around a lot. But when people
say that, there’s usually a little bit of
stank on the end, right? It’s not like, oh, it’s
all about who you know. It’s usually like, oh, it’s
all about who you know. And we throw that out there when
somebody gets promoted over us, or when we lose a deal, or when
we don’t get on the project that we want to get on,
or when we lose a job, or worse, lose a relationship
or a partner because of somebody else’s
relationship, or their skills inside those relationships. And even inside
companies like Google, the most brilliant
idea that you have can fail if you don’t have
the right people around you, if you don’t have the
right team around you. And I hope none of you have
experienced that first hand. Something tells me
that most all of you have at this point
in your career experienced something like that. That might even be
why you’re here. And when I was young,
when I was in college, and to a certain
extent in law school, I thought that
networking, relationships, networks in general were
things that you were born into. Your family had them. You went to a fancy
private school where you were a blue blazer
with a little insignia on it. and you hung out and played
croquet or polo or something all day, and everybody went
on to do something amazing. And then you could call
those guys and gals together at the end of the day, and
figure out world domination dot, dot, dot, profit, right? That’s how I imagined
this would work. And sometimes,
people marry into it. Which, by the way, if you
do that, highly recommended. [LAUGHTER] For the rest of
us, we kind of have to figure out how to generate
these relationships on our own. And if your parents
didn’t do this for you, you have to do this if you want
to reap the benefits yourself, and if you want
your kids to reap the benefits of
relationships and networks that you’ve grown over
the course of your life. Because these things
don’t happen necessarily by themselves. The good news is that with
intentional application of these topics,
you can actually surpass people that were
born into a good network. Because they are coasting. They’re coasting on
their previous momentum. And we have our foot on the gas
if we’re intentional about it. Again, the tortoise
and the hare. Networking and relationship
development is a way of being. It is a set of habits. This isn’t something that
turns on and off over time. It’s something that’s
always on, but not in that always-on used
car salesman kind of way. Something that you do
that you systemize– and I think I’m in the right
place to talk about systems, I hope– something you systemize
and have it work for you. I moved to San Francisco from
LA about three or four years ago now. And after a year or two in San
Francisco, a lot of my friends who’d grown up there
or who had been there for a decade and
change would remark things like, how do you
know so many people? How are you getting
invited to so many things? How come we have all these
different relationships? I don’t really understand it. I work from home, actually. I don’t know if
you all know that. I work from my house. I see no one except for
my wife all day long. I hang out with my cats
more than most people. How are these relationships
being developed? It doesn’t make any
sense from the outside. But once you see the matrix,
and see how these things work, there’s really no going back. Because you can
start to systemize. Everyone has the
capacity to do this. It’s another important key. A lot of people–
how many people think they’re introverts or kind
of self-proclaimed introverts at some level? All right, cool. I was like uh-oh, no
one’s raising their hand? But in classic
introvert fashion, everyone waited for someone
else to do it first. Good, I’m in good company. I am also, technically
speaking, an introvert. And that’s fine. But what is important
for us to realize is that we don’t have
a medical excuse to not build relationships anymore. Introversion is one
of those things where it’s like well, I would go
and develop relationships, I would go to this event,
but I’m an introvert, so I’m off the hook. And then you go back to
whatever you like to do, which is me time, if
you’re anything like me. And I understand that. But we can’t lean
on that anymore. All that introversion
means is we prefer to not socialize
with other people, or we prefer to recharge
by focusing on ourselves. It has nothing to do with our
ability to learn these skills. And in fact, new
research now shows that introverts in large
part are more introspective, and are better at reading
other people’s behavior, which coincidentally, is great
for building and maintaining relationships. Your homegrown network
keeps opportunity flowing into your life
at an unstoppable pace. And that’s true whether
you’re inside a company, whether you’re an
entrepreneur, whether you’ve got a good side hustle going. And by the way, it’s
pure job security inside an organization. Dave, by the way, left
our sinking law firm, because we were heavily
leveraged in 2008 with the real estate thing. I was in the real estate
department, by the way, not a good bet. He walked out of
that sinking ship and walked right into
a partner-level job at another firm. And I know this because
I saw him in the elevator while I was working
at Sirius XM satellite radio doing “The Art Of Charm.” And he said, don’t I
know you from somewhere? And the answer was,
no, I don’t think so. [LAUGHTER] And he walked right in. Everybody else was
punished by the recession. My other partners,
my other bosses there, they’re “retired” now. Some of them are in their 40s. I don’t think they
had planned to do that after slaving for a
decade, decade and a half to make partner on Wall Street. And some of them are
still unraveling that mess from a decade ago. The recession was a decade
ago, they’re still retired. This is not good. And it’s not that they
didn’t do the right thing. They billed so many hours. They worked so hard for their
job, their firm, their clients. But they just didn’t
have the book of business to save their bacon
at the end of the day. And the hitch here
really is that even if we or you collectively
decide to willfully ignore this particular
skill set, you’re just being willfully ignorant
of the secret game being played around you. And you’re not immune
to the consequences. I’m sure plenty of the other
partners in that firm thought look, Dave’s the guy that goes
out and gets the business. There’s always going
to be room for me here. We always need workhorses. And that’s just not
necessarily true. You have to diversify
your skill set. And if you’re going to skill
stack and have multiple skills that you are good
at, one of them better be relationship
development. So I like to give homework. And I know how much everyone
here loves homework. But in the next month– and if you’re taking notes,
this is a good time to do that– in the next month, pick
one person in your network who is a weaker
tie, but with whom you’d like a stronger alliance. So somebody you thought,
well, I should reach out to that person, or
I haven’t spoken to this person in a long time. And just commit to trying
to proactively reignite that relationship
through small favors. And I’m talking
about finding out something they’re
interested in and sending them an article or
two that you read that’s recent on the subject. Or helping them prepare
for a presentation is something that I
always like to do. If you’ve got skills in the
presentation department, that’s always a good one. Because most people feel a
lot of nerves and anxiety around it. If you’re in their corner,
or you can help them with their slides, anything
really simple, especially on a topic that you enjoy is
a really, really good “gift”, or favor, so to speak. So invest some real
time and energy into that relationship over
the next several months, and you will definitely
see dividends, that much I promise you. And also, create what I call
an interesting people fund. And funnel a certain percentage
of your paycheck– very small, certainly. But use this to pay
for lunches, drinks, things like that, even a
plane ticket to visit someone, or visit an area and have
lunch with somebody or dinner with somebody with whom you
want a stronger connection. And you guys have this super,
super hook up here at Google, because you can invite people
into the campus to have lunch, do a tour. That is built in for you. So if you haven’t done
that or if you haven’t made good use of that
over the past six, eight, 18 months or
ever, start doing that. Maybe just once a month. Time flies, but these
things stack up. This is compound interest. The other reason is that
opportunities are often over the horizon. And what I mean by
that is we often don’t see the benefit that can
come from helping other people, or from re-igniting
relationships with other people. So right now, a lot
of you are thinking, well, OK, I know
a bunch of people, but I don’t really know
what I want from them, or what they would want
from me, so forget it. There’s nothing I really need,
so I’m not going to do that. And that is a huge mistake. Because since opportunities
are over the horizon, what that means is that you
have no idea whether or not you can help them,
or they can help you. Neither of you know this. Case in point, when I first
moved to LA, I had a toothache. And if you’ve ever
had a toothache, you probably know the pain
is like it’s in your brain. This is some of the most
intimate, destructive pain that you can feel. It’s so distracting,
it’s all-consuming. It seems like it’s
inside your head, and there’s nothing
you can do about it. There’s not enough
Tylenol in the house. There’s not enough painkillers
commercially available without a prescription
that are going to help you without
killing you, if you have a strong enough toothache. And the problem was,
this is pre-Uber, OK? I didn’t have a
car at the point. I moved straight
from New York to LA. I had no dentist, and my
insurance was garbage. So of course I’m
calling every dentist I can find in the Yellow Pages. And they’re saying like,
oh just go to the ER. Just go to the ER,
they’ll take care of you. When you go to the
ER with a toothache, I have a feeling they tie a
string to it and slam the door, and send you on your way home. Because as we all
know, health care with no insurance or crappy
insurance, especially dental, things like that– not the business. So I posted in
desperation on Facebook, does anybody have a
dentist that I can use? I need to get this
toothache handled so I can continue with my life. And a total stranger– because I had my privacy
settings completely screwed up at this point– replies in the thread, and
says, actually, my aunt’s a dentist in your area. I don’t really know you, but
it sounds like you’re in pain. Do you want me to
give her a call? Absolutely, I do. Absolutely. I walked down there
bright and early, before she even opens up shop. They open, they take care of me. I don’t get overcharged. And I go home a much happier
camper than I was before. Now of course, I
go home, and I’m infinitely thankful to this
particular stranger, who I still to this
day have never met. And I write back,
thank you so much. You saved my bacon here. And he says great, I
really am glad to do that. By the way, I’m looking for
a job in graphic design. Of course, there’s a rub. Look, I’m not hiring
a graphic designer it would be really convenient
for purposes of this story if I needed a graphic designer. But alas, I’m not going
to lie to you like that. So I said I would keep
my ear to the ground for him, which translates
roughly to, yeah, whatever, man. Thanks anyway. [LAUGHTER] However, four days
later, five days later, another entrepreneur
hit me up and said, hey, your website
looks really great. I’ve had a lot of
flaky designers. What do you think? Do you know anyone? Well, we do all of
our design in-house. And I said look, I
don’t know anyone, but this random dude from
Facebook gave me his portfolio. Here it is, it’s attached. All I know is that he
helped me find a dentist, and he seems like a nice person. [LAUGHTER] Not exactly
qualifications you would want in somebody
who you’re going to hire full time for
a position, right? But it turns out that
later on, after doing a series of discrete jobs
for this entrepreneur, this particular individual
ended up getting a full time job at this particular company. So he went from essentially
working at a local cafe and posting about
his job on Facebook every five minutes to
getting a full time job in his industry of choice. The reason that this story
is important and relevant is because I had no
idea that I could get a dentist from a
person that I never knew. That was obviously not
something I foresaw, which was the reason I posted
there in the first place. However, if he had literally
asked every single person that he knew, that he’d ever met
in his whole life, for a job, he still would not have
found the job that he got by helping me selflessly. That is what I mean
by opportunities lying over the horizon. You don’t know who
you can help, and you don’t know who can help you. You have no idea. Neither of you do,
and you won’t find out until you start being
generous with it. And that’s why we have ABG,
which is always be giving. Has anyone seen
“Glengarry Glen Ross?” ABC, always be closing? So I’ll let you
YouTube that one later. But essentially, it’s about
going after what you want, and mercilessly getting it,
and forget everyone else. At “Art of Charm,”
we’re rocking ABG, always be generous,
or always be giving. And what this means
is that since you’re helping other people with
no expectation of anything whatsoever in return, you can
find those opportunities that are lying over the horizon. In many ways, you can. It’s not always going to
be like this, obviously. This is a numbers game. And you want to be
the guy or gal that looks like they’re always
just getting lucky and hitting the lottery, because
of the numbers. The way you increase your
odds in a numbers game is you keep playing the game. You keep increasing the numbers. So in the next week,
introduce two or more people that you know already
do not know each other. And the way that you do this is
not by surprise attacking them with an email where
they’re both cc’d. Everyone hates that. You hate that, I hate that,
of course they hate that. Some people don’t know this,
but that’s why I always throw it out there. This is called the
double opt-in intro, OK? You email one, and you say,
hey, I know this guy, Bob. He works in graphic
design like you, and he’s got a lot
of capacity for work, and he’s really talented. And then you reach out
to the other person. And you say hey, this
guy James is really cool, super interesting guy,
got a lot of work. Always seems like he’s got
deal flow coming through. Are you open to meeting him? Do you guys know
each other already? If they both say yes,
you make the intro. If one says no, you don’t. And I know what you’re
thinking, oh, that’s awkward. What do I tell the other person
who said yes when one says no? The answer is you say the
timing isn’t right right now. True, no lying. And you leave it at that. And if they ask you again
in a few months, no problem. The only time that you
would ever say anything else is if there’s a serious
issue with that. And that’s sort of
beyond the scope of this. But I would say
that every time you double opt-in, you’re
most likely going to get a yes, especially
from people that don’t have a ton of introductions coming
from people that they actually trust, which by the way, is you. People who are doing
the ABG thing who are networking well, who are
building a lot of relationships will always say yes to an intro. It doesn’t mean they
have to hire that person. It doesn’t mean they
have to have lunch. It just means they have to say
yes to the email, which usually leads to some sort of call or
even just a mutual connection so that they’re on
each other’s radar. That alone is enough. If you’re thinking
about the utility that each of these people
have to the other person in the interaction,
that alone is enough. And if you do this
in the next week, and if you do this
once a week, you’ll have made 52, give or take
some nos, introductions every single year,
which is a ton. And once you start
ramping this up, you realize this is
actually really easy. Because if I need
help with something, or if you need help
with something, the way that this
becomes scalable– again, going back
to graphic design, let’s say that I’m
a graphic designer, and you need help
with your website. I don’t have time to
do your graphic design. I don’t have time
to do graphic design for everyone in this room. What I might have time to do is
introduce everyone in this room to different capable designers. So what I’ve done is provided
value, followed the ABG rule of giving and
helping and being generous without actually doing
anything really more than connecting one corner of my
web to another part of my web. That makes it scalable. That’s important,
because otherwise you will drive yourself
freaking crazy, and you’ll lose your job, and be
homeless, dot dot dot, the end. On the other side
of the equation, you’ve got to think
about a challenge that you yourself
are dealing with. And you have to ask for help
from your network as well. Where people get stuck with the
ABG stuff is they go, oh great, I’m going to help everyone. And they start sending
58,000 email introductions every single week, and they
never ask for what they need. And that becomes
almost a pathology. If you’re there, great. It’s a good sign that you’re
doing some stuff right. Start asking for what you need. People want to
help you in return. It’s reciprocity, which is
a human law of psychology, and it closes the
loop, I like to say. Because I always feel
a little bit of– wow, I really want to do
something for that person. They’ve been so
generous with me. If you allow them
to do that, they feel good about
helping you as well. There’s not really a
better win than there can be from those two particular
things hitting simultaneously, or at some point
in the same three, six month, even year time span. So we’ve already talked about
why networking is valuable. We’ve already talked about
how to introduce people to one another. We’ve already talked about
how to make it scalable. And we’ve talked
about helping people in finding those opportunities
over the horizon. The other reason to
do this selfishly, or not so selfishly, is that
your network is unique to you. You can have a bank account
with no money in it. We’ve all been there. And you have value
to offer somebody with $10 million dollars,
whatever bajillion dollars in their bank account. Because you and your
network– your network really is one of the only things
about you that is truly unique. I know probably there’s going
to be some discussion about how we’re all special snowflakes. Usually that comes
at the end of this. But I will tell you
that your network is one of the only things
that is unique to you. It’s one of the only things you
have that nobody else or very few other people have,
especially if you’ve been building it up over time. So business, of
course, fundamentally is people selling
things to people that they already ideally know. Doing business with
people you know and like is one of the most
common ways to do this. See the Dave example
in the beginning of this particular discussion. And everyone’s
already heard well, you only go as high as
your five closest friends. And I’m not saying
ditch your friends. That would be like the opposite
of a Tony Robbins seminar, probably. But we’re not going
to do that here. Networking and
relationship development is one of the single
best ways to make sure that you’re surrounding yourself
with as many high quality people as possible. You’re doing a great job. You’re in this room
here at Google. Not bad so far. Keep it up. But many people in this company
and outside this company are running into
the problem where maybe professionally, they’re
surrounded with all stars. Maybe personally, not so much. Or sometimes the inverse,
depends on what department you’re in here, I guess. That’s what I’ve heard. So in the next day, take
a look at your appointment book, your calendar, your
Google Calendar, hopefully. And over the past
three to six months, who have you surrounded
yourself with? Who have you been hanging
out with professionally and personally? With whom have you
spent the most time? And are you happy
with the influence those people have had on you? Because a lot of people think
that they can resist that. But you all know you do
fall into the same habits and the same traps as
the people that you’re surrounding yourself
with, voluntarily or not. And that’s why it’s so
toxic to be around people who don’t have the same
values as you, who don’t have the same ways of
thinking and mindsets of success, happiness, and
things like that than you do. Now caveat, this is not
a game you play just because you want the spoils. It is important to me
personally to help people. My whole company,
“The Art of Charm,” is founded on that basis. And I like helping people. I like coming and
speaking to people. I love seeing people succeed. And I love interacting. And if somebody does
not have integrity, do not build your
network around them. It is so tempting to do this. It is so tempting to
go well, this person’s high up on this totem pole. They’re really good at
this particular thing. They have high
visibility in this area, but they’re a total scumbag. That will always,
always, always come back to bite you in the butt. You just have to zoom out
far enough on the timeline to see how that’s happened with
those people in other areas, and you will see
yourself becoming a victim of that same thing. If you don’t believe me, look
at what those people have been around before, and
zoom out on the timeline and you will find an
example of your future if you associate
with those people. And this entire
process is important, because unless you’ve been
intentional about the process of surrounding yourself
with better people and leveling up in that area,
your immediate surroundings and social circle, there’s
a pretty darn good chance that it’s loaded with people
who are satisfied being essentially, mediocre
in whatever area that you’re trying to level
up in, or one or two areas that you’re trying to level
up in, health, fitness, professional life. We’ve all got those
people that have had kind of been around us for
a long time, that maybe are no longer adding value
but subtracting it, a little bit of an energy
vampire, one might say. And if you surround yourself
with high achievers at work and at home, you will
absolutely crush. You will crush. They will bring you up, and
you can bring them up with you as well. And people, like I
said, want to help you. If you’re excited
about helping them get their goals
accomplished, they will get excited about
doing the same for you. Always be giving,
and you will get. That is simple reciprocity. And this is something
that high performers rely on all the time,
every single time. If you want to look at
charities, for example, they’re loaded with
the well-to-do. And there’s a reason for that. It’s not just
about being social. It’s a way for people
in distinct silos to be around other people
that they would normally never get to interact with
while working on a common goal. It is a very sort
of tricky thing to wrap your mind around
sometimes, especially when you just see it from the outside. But when you get in
the middle of that, you realize that most of those
people are thinking like that. It’s a strategy,
it’s not coincidence. The number one rule of
relationship building is to build it
before you need it. Dig the well before
you are thirsty. Networking once
you need something like a job or a
relationship, for example, that is not effective. And a lot of people
think they can do that. How many people have
been like, oh you know, I’m totally going to start this
relationship development thing, but I’ve got to get
this project done. I’ve got to move up one
run on the ladder at work. I’ve got to get
this website going. I really need to get
my move handled first, and get settled in my new place. Some sort of excuse,
false deadline is often what keeps us
from moving forward. We have to ditch those. Because think about this,
who would you rather help, somebody who’s helped
you out with a few things over the last few months
or the last few years, or someone that calls you out of
the blue and is like, hey man, yeah. What’s up, man? I want to take you
out for a beer, it’s been such a long time. And then you get
there, and they’re like Herbalife or
whatever, right? You’re just like, oh
god, I knew it, right? I knew this was going to happen. Waiting to form relationships
only once you need them is like carrying a spare
tire in the trunk of your car after you’re stranded on
the side of the highway. That’s not good. So here’s a thought
exercise for you. Imagine that you got laid
off from your job today. Not going to happen, hopefully. You have my personal
guarantee, how’s that? You got laid off
from your job today. Who are the 10 people that
you would contact for help if that happened? You get laid off today,
who are you contacting, 10 people for help,
and figure out what you’re going to do next. Make that list of 10 people,
then reach out to them now when you don’t need anything. If you’ve been laid off,
you know that’s a good idea. So networking, creating
those relationships only when you need it
it’s not effective. It is too late. 80% of new jobs are found
through networks, not through monster.com. You don’t want to see
the stats on that. Nobody looks at
their inbox, even if they’re using the new
Gmail spam filters and stuff like that, doesn’t matter. It’s all via the network. And everyone who works
at my company, everyone who works at “The Art of
Charm” has gotten their job by networking and relationships. That obviously makes sense,
because that’s what we teach. You will find that
works in 80% of cases. And when you get to higher
performing jobs, better jobs that are higher
paid compensation, or involve different or
better projects, that number, that percentage goes
much, much higher. Because the job,
the stakes are too high to rely on a simple
recruiting process that doesn’t have a little
finger on the scale from relationships
and previous vetting from people who’ve been
there or know that person. So this is about action. It’s not about collecting
business cards. It’s not about your Rolodex,
if those things still exist, which I doubt. The best way to do this is to
create a platform to do this. A lot of people
have industry blogs. My platform is my podcast,
“The Art of Charm.” It puts me in a visible place. It puts me in a
position to interact with interesting people
that have other connections, and connect with connectors. So if you don’t have a podcast,
you don’t have a big old blog, or you can talk about
what you’re working on, which is a lot of you, I
know that, the greatest way I’ve found to do
this is to organize little low key, low pressure
dinner parties with people in similar or
different industries that are relevant enough
where one person each time can teach the group something. So you might have a dinner
party at your place, and you might teach
a little bit of SEO. I don’t know if you guys
are allowed to do that. That’s my go-to
example, but whatever. Put something else
in there instead. Somebody might
teach outsourcing. That might be a
better one for you. Social media is a good one. These are things that
are pretty default. These work really well
with entrepreneurs. They work really great
for people in general who are interested in business. Y’all are pretty technical,
some of you I would imagine. And you can teach
certain discrete skills to the group in a way
that doesn’t set you up for any sort of trouble
at work, but also sets you up on a platform. And if you’re hosting
these dinner parties, you can invite different people. You can insist they
bring one other person that you don’t yet know. And someone who’s been
there the previous week comes prepared that next
week to teach a subject. Doesn’t have to be
an hour-long lecture. Can be something really simple. Doesn’t have to be whiteboarded. Just has to be interesting
and valuable enough to keep people showing
up and keep the event fun enough that people continue
to come and continue to bring others into that. This sets you up
as the network hub. It sets you up as the connector. And if you can connect
with other connectors, now you’re cooking with gas. Of course, my platform,
like I said, is a podcast. And look, networking
is a muscle. It grows with use. It is not a pie that gets
eaten up piece by piece. If you call in
help from somebody, that is not going to
use up that contact. A lot of people
operate like that. They’re afraid to
call on somebody. Well, I don’t want to email them
about this because, you know, then I’ve used my one time
that I can get in touch. No, it’s quite the opposite. It’s a muscle that
grows with use. The more you network, the more
you introduce people to others, the more you create that
value, the more you ABG, the more that muscle will grow. And if you hoard
your network, it will atrophy the same
as a muscle as well. So it all comes back to ABG and
doing so in a systemized way. And one final sort
of example here of asking for help, because
I know a lot of people are shy with that. I didn’t get into law school
the first time I applied. I didn’t get in at all. In fact, I got rejected. And I remember sitting
in a house up north and just thinking, wow, that
was my hail Mary at figuring out what I was going to do
for the next three years. I can’t even get a
job at freaking Best Buy with a college degree from
the University of Michigan. I’m so screwed. I don’t even know what
I’m going to do right now. I should just walk
into the Great Lakes that I’m looking at right
now, and just keep walking, and figure out it from there. I mean, there was
nothing happening. So in desperation, I reached
out to a lot of my friends who’d already been admitted. They were a year ahead of me,
a couple of months ahead of me, a semester ahead of me, or just
getting in at that same level. And I said, what would you do? And they said, all right. Write a letter that explains
why you should be let in, and send me a copy,
and I will look at it. Almost everybody said something
similar along those lines, because I had them
all in one thread. And so I wrote this letter. I figured, this is just
such a waste of time. I don’t even know
why I’m doing this. But they kind of
forced me to do it. I was just going to say, great. Thanks for the
suggestion, and not do it. My friend Greg, thank
god he made me do this. So I sent it back. I got a bunch of
corrections based on the way that they’ve learned their
legal prose and argumentation. Put it in a really
interesting format that I’d never seen before. It looked like a legal
brief of some kind. And I sent it to the
admissions office. And a couple of
those guys and gals sent letters to the
admissions office telling them why they think it
was a mistake that I wasn’t let into the school at some point,
and that I was definitely Michigan material, because
I went for undergrad and law school, just to avoid confusion. And so after a few
weeks, I got a call from the admissions office. And they said, look, never
seen anybody do this. This is a really
interesting idea. And the fact that you put this
into such a coherent argument in a letter, you
sent it back, you weren’t expecting
anything– and my trade-off was, you don’t have to
let me in for this year. Let me in for next year, and
I will kill the rest of it. I’ll figure out what
to do with my time. And we all know how you
can kill a year in college pretty easily. And so they said, fine. We’ll convene the
admissions committee. We have another meeting,
and I’ll run it by them. And they called
a few days later, and they let me in not for that
year, but for the next year, just as I’d suggested. So think about this. I got into one of
the best law schools in America, where I’d
previously been rejected, because I asked for help. Those people were glad to do it. We’re still friends to this day. And I’m still getting a reminder
every single month about how valuable that law degree was. Now I think we’ve got a
little bit of time left. Are you keeping time? We’re good? Great, so let’s go to Serbia. So here’s a here’s a more
fun example than law school, in my humble opinion. So in 2005, I was 25 years
old, and I worked for– well I was actually
coincidentally killing a year before law school. And I had a fellowship from
the Department of Defense to go in to work
in Serbia, which is in the former
Yugoslavia, not Siberia. Serbia, different place,
former Yugoslavia, southern Balkans Europe area. And when you go to
Serbia, you have to register with the
government and tell them where you’re living,
and the police have to stamp this little
piece of paper that says you’re a foreigner
living in the country. I know that’s really
foreign to Americans. But if you’ve ever been
to the Eastern Bloc, this is super commonplace. They love to keep tabs on
everybody and everything. And you have to live
with a Serbian person. You can’t live on your own. You can’t just stay in
some house that you rent. It’s not an Airbnb, which
didn’t exist at the time. You’re not allowed to
do anything like that. You have to have somebody
who’s vouching for you. And this got really annoying,
because every time I left the country or left even
the county and city area where I was, I had to re-register. So I had to every single
time I would take a drive to a restaurant
outside of Belgrade, I had to re-register
with the police. And that was never a smooth
process, often involved an annoying fee. And also resulted in me
having a couple of incidences that really got old fast. For example, I was coming
back from a visit to Germany. I came back at about 11
o’clock at night or 10:00, ended up in the police station
where the registration is done around 10:00, 11:00 at night. And the police officer
who is on duty there decided that since I was in the
police station at that hour, I must have done
something wrong, even though I walked in alone. And he put me in a prison
cell with three chain-smoking prostitutes who spoke in a
loud-ass foreign language for the entire night, smoking
unfiltered cigarettes. And it was one of the worst
nights of my entire life. And I decided, this is
not happening again. I am not doing this
registration thing. This is an offense to
freedom everywhere. I’m not doing this. And so I decided, I’m just
going to say to hell with this. They’re so disorganized, they’re
never even going to find me. Well, I’ll let you
know how that goes. So I conceived a brilliant
plan to have my friends say that I was staying with
them, even though I wasn’t, and then what are
the police going to do, come and inspect
and see where I live? So the police came and
inspected to see where I live, and I wasn’t there. And they said, oh
yeah, he’s traveling. So they said, OK, fine. And so they came back
about two weeks later, and they said,
where’s his stuff? Oh, he’s not here. And so the police gave my friend
[? Yellen ?] an ultimatum, and they said, if he’s not here
the next time that we come, we’re going to look for him,
but you’re going to help us, and you’re going to stay
with us until we find him. And that was pretty loud and
clear for, guess what, Jordan? You’re moving
tonight at 1:30 AM. Luckily, moving was easy. Didn’t have anything
at her house. But what it did mean is that it
had to go to the police station and register again. And I decided, fine. I’m going to do that. So I decided to
pull the same thing because it worked for a few
months with another friend. And that guy went and moved to
his weekend house, a cottage for months, so he wasn’t home. So what the police found when
they went to inspect again, was not only was I not there,
nobody was there at all for a long, long time. And that raised a red flag. And when you live in the Eastern
Bloc, red flags mean trouble. [LAUGHTER] So this started to get
really scary for them, right? My friend was getting calls
because I was registered there. And I was hanging out and
thinking, look, this is fine. I’ll just go and fix this. But Serbia’s not exactly
the kind of place where you walk into
the police station, as I had learned
before, and say, hey, I heard you guys have
been looking for me. What can I do for you? So I decided I’m going to
handle this, just not right now. So I had an appointment
at the American Embassy to take care of everything. Before that, I had tickets
to a music festival, and this was going
to be awesome. So I went to the music festival. It was three days long, and it
was on this Turkish fortress island. It looks like “Game of Thrones.” In fact, I think they may have
filmed some “Game of Thrones” stuff there. It’s an island that is an
Ottoman Empire fortress, and there’s 20
stages set up here when they have this
festival, no cars allowed. Huge. I mean, it is just
mind-blowingly enormous and cool. And everything
was going so well. I’d been up for probably
like a day and a half partying, hanging out
with my friends, drinking. We did some weird
cameo on MTV Europe where I didn’t understand
what they’re saying to me, but it didn’t matter. And I just couldn’t have
been having more fun. But there was a black Jeep
that started rolling around the island towards when
everybody was getting done. And they were kind of
inspecting people, and looking through the crowd, and shining
a light on people as dawn broke. And everyone has to
leave on this bridge and walk on this bridge. And so as we started
to do that, they stopped a friend of
mine and me, and they said, where are your passports? Because in Serbia, you have to
carry your passport with you everywhere you go if
you’re a foreigner. You have to have
your international ID with you no matter what. I carried a copy, because who’s
going to carry their passport? You’re going to lose
it, whole big thing. So I carried a copy
of my passport. That was not satisfactory. So what did they do? They called to make sure
that I was who I said I was. But guess what happened
when they called? He’s not registered. We’ve been looking for him. Whoops. Also to add a little bit of
something else, something special to the pot, my friend
had a bit of a checkered past, where he was related
to an organized crime figure from his family,
and they had moved, and then he came back
to hang out in Serbia. So these guys figure, we’ve
hit the freaking jackpot. We’ve got an American
spy who’s basically a fugitive and
some mafioso’s kid. So at this point, I think great,
we’re going to jail, hopefully not worse. And to make things
a little bit worse, these guys were not sober. These guys were on drugs. And to put this into a
little bit of perspective, Serbian state security
officers at this point in time, they’re not like
the American FBI. These are guys who fought in
militias in Bosnia or whatever. Their village got eradicated
by Croats, or Bosniaks, or whatever. Now they live in Serbia. And in order to not be
prosecuted for war crimes or things they did back
there that were illegal, they became agents
of the state that are above regular prosecution laws. So they basically just run
around, do whatever they want, except for obviously
not getting any therapy for their PTSD and
all of the things that are causing them
to be hammered at 7:30, 8:00 AM in the morning. So they’re slurring. They’re not rational. They’re aggressive. And I’m thinking, great. I’m going to get pistol whipped
in front of like 20,000 people, and there’s nothing
I can do about it. And my friend is all
doing the classic, let me talk my way out
of this type thing. And that’s not going too well. And I’m replying, look, man. I’m not a fugitive. I’m not a criminal. I just teach refugees English. And look, here’s my passport. We can go get the real one. We’ll go to the embassy. We’ll make not a
big deal out of it. And they thought
that was an OK idea. But first, they had other ideas. So they said, get in the Jeep. And the problem
is when you speak a foreign language, often
those little connector words like, get in, or get over,
are kind of confusing. So when they said,
get in the Jeep, I thought, great, I’m
going to get in the Jeep. And it turned out that
they meant get on the Jeep. And what they meant
by “get on the Jeep” was that they didn’t want me to
be inside, because the back had a bunch of rifles in it,
and a bag of Doritos, which is kind of weird. They didn’t want
me to sit there. So me and my friend had to
hang onto the running boards. And we’re hanging onto the
side of the running boards and had our hand through the
open sunroof of the Jeep. And they’re going pretty
slowly at this point to drive off this island, where
there’s no roads and no cars. After we get over the bridge,
we start cruising a little bit, and they start throwing popcorn
out through the sunroof, because– I forgot to tell you this. They robbed a popcorn vendor
before we left the venue. So these guys are throwing the
popcorn up through the roof, and they’re trying to get
us to catch it in our mouths while we’re driving
on the highway. We’re going 40 miles an hour
and thinking, oh, this is great. I should just like tuck and
roll or something, right? Except when you’re
going 40 miles an hour, you’re just kind of
thinking, what part of me is going to fly
off if I do that? So no tucking, no rolling. Then I saw the flashing lights. Flashing lights, thank god. The police are here. They’re going to pull us over. They’re going to find out
how ridiculous this is. They’re going to cut
us loose or they’re going to send us straight
back to the embassy. Worst case, I get deported. I can live with that. OK. The problem is, these
guys unrolled their window and did one of
these, and the cops turned their lights
off and pulled over to the side of the road. Because again, black
Jeep, government plates. Doesn’t matter if we’re on the
side trying to catch popcorn like a couple of clowns. So at this point, I’m
starting to get really scared. Because 15 minutes later, we
pull up into this neighborhood. Small, boarded up
houses and little things with those shutters, those metal
grates are down over the front. And I’m thinking, oh my god. This is serious. This is not harmless fun. This isn’t just people having
fun with some tourists. This is the real deal. And I’m cut off from the world,
and I haven’t been this scared since prom ’98– different story. And I’m like freaking out here. I don’t want to
get out the Jeep. We’re off the Jeep. I don’t want to
get in the house. I don’t want to go down to
the basement of the house. And the guy says, look. Get in there, and
everything’s going to be OK. Pardon me if I don’t
believe you, OK? But that was the message. And at this point, I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. I can’t run anywhere. I got nowhere to go. So we go in, we sit down. They’re bashing my
friend in, because now he decided to play the do you
know who my father is game. Works every time. And so I’m explaining, look,
I’m an English teacher, man. I teach 11-year-old kids and
refugees how to speak English. That is it. They’re calling BS on that. You’re a spy. You’re unregistered. You’re an unregistered
foreign agent. Nobody’d heard of that
until Michael Flynn. Thanks, Flynn. Now I don’t have to explain
that one every time. So no, we’re on our
way to [? Lipa. ?] It’s got the best food in town. I heard they got the best
food anywhere in the city. And he gets heated. This agent get heated,
and incredulous, and a little tense, a little
too close to my face, and says, obviously you don’t know
anything about Serbian food if you think [? Lipa ?] has
the best food in the city. And I thought, all right. Now we’re onto
something better here. What about [INAUDIBLE]
on Belgrade? Man, look. If you haven’t
tried [INAUDIBLE],, you don’t know
anything about this and you’re not qualified
to talk about Serbian food. So I ask him what he
orders when he goes there. This is something that changes
the energy of the conversation. At Art of Charm, we
call this changing the frame of the conversation. It goes from me
being interrogated by a crazy, deranged,
drunk state security agent to a somewhat equal-footing
discussion, if you will, on Serbian food and culture. And the key is that I kept
behaving like I was in trouble, and that everything, even
though he was enraged at certain points, even
totally irrationally, I’m remaining as completely
calm on the outside, anyway, as I can. Obviously inside, I’m freaking
out without any regard whatsoever. Now I ask him look, man, what
do you order when you go there? I’m going to go there
tonight– wink, wink, right– when I get out of here. And I’m setting that anchor. Man, let me out of here. I even invited him to
go with us, seriously. Now this type of thing is called
the Benjamin Franklin effect. When you ask
somebody for advice, when you ask somebody
for recommendations, they feel an affinity for you. They feel an affinity for
what you are representing. They feel an affinity
for helping you. And it’s a backwards
rationalization that they create in the brain. Benjamin Franklin used
this really, really well. He would borrow books from
people that hated him, and they would become friends. That’s why this is called
the Benjamin Franklin effect. So we started talking about
homebrewed liquor called rakia. And of course, the only
thing that Serbian people like more than talking
about drinking is drinking. So I said, I think I could
use a drink right now. It’s about 8 o’clock
in the morning. Don’t judge me. Desperate times,
desperate measures. So he gets up and he suddenly
walks out of the room. And I’m thinking, OK, great. This is my time. Activate eighth grade
taekwondo skills, middle school wrestling, sure. Leg catch something, right? And then [? deek ?]
him out and run. That’s the plan. Sounds good, right? What could go wrong? And sometimes the unknown
is scarier than the known. You don’t know what’s
going to happen. This guy’s gone. I can hear my friend getting his
butt kicked in the next room. He’s getting punched. It’s just awful. I’m sitting there
like, it’s a good thing “Saw” hadn’t come
out at this point, or I would’ve been losing it. [LAUGHTER] There’s like sharp
objects in there, and pipes coming
out of the wall, and these little rusty things
that I’m like, that could get attached to a part of my
body if I’m not careful. So I see him coming back, and
he’s got a club in his hand. And I’m like, oh my god. This is how it ends. And I thought, all right. I’ve got about a
whatever percent chance of just getting
away from this guy and figuring out how to
dodge it, or tackle him, or something like that. And about 10 feet
away from me, I realize it’s not a
club, but a bottle. And it’s a bottle of rakia. And he slams it
down on the table, and he pours a couple of
glasses of this stuff. And he says, well,
we’re just going to wait for your friend and
my friend to get done talking. And I thought, OK. Well, look. This is not nice, but this is
an airplane mask situation. It’s like help
yourself before you help other people next to you. So I’m wondering how I
can get myself out of this and get my friend out of this. But so far, I’m pretty
much out of ideas. The first idea I have is drink
that shot, and then regroup, and then come up
with a new plan. So I realize this could
still go sideways. This is still happening. This is a heated conversation. We’re going back and forth. And finally, I hear
from the next room, hey, your friend has a big mouth. I’m shutting it for him. How’s it going over there? And these guys don’t really know
that I can understand Serbian. So I figure, this could really,
really be bad for my friend. And it could just as
easily be bad for me. Just right now, I
feel OK with it. And your brain wants to do that. It wants to think
everything’s going to be fine, everything’s going
to be all right. Doesn’t necessarily mean it
has any basis in reality. So I said, look, man. I feel really sick. I’ve been awake for a long time. You’re feeding me this stuff. I’m stressed out. I’m dehydrated. I just need water, and I know
there’s no water in there. I know those rusty
pipes have no water. I know they don’t
have any water. I know the Jeep doesn’t probably
have any water, because they finished the beers
they were drinking as they drove us to this place. So he goes, all right. Stay here. And I said, of course. Where would I go? So he gets up, and he
goes in the other room. And after a long time–
feels like an eternity– I hear the Jeep doors close,
and I realize, they’re gone. They left, and I don’t know
if they’re coming back. So I go and grab my friend. Dude, get up. We’ve got to go. He’s half limping, half being
carried out of this place. And we go to a restaurant
a few hundred meters away, a few blocks away. And I know what we
must have looked like, because were covered in
dirt, and blood, and popcorn. And the waitress is
coming up, and she goes hi, how can I–
and just immediately doesn’t even finish the
sentence, starts walking away. And I thought, wow,
we look like zombies. We look like zombies that we’re
junkies when they were alive and now are zombies. And so the police come– the
regular police, thank god– who take arrest
us again, take us to a police station instead of
an underground torture chamber. So I’m still ahead here. This is good, right? And then at this point,
I’m getting interrogated by the police captain. And he’s just like,
what is going– where did you even come
from in this town looking like this at this hour? What is going on here? And my spoken Serbian’s
not that great, especially with a couple bits of booze
in me that hour, no sleep, and I’m new. I can understand more
than I can speak. That’s how it goes
with foreign languages. So I ask if he spoke
German, and he said, no. I don’t speak German, but my
girlfriend is a German teacher. Thank god. So I get on the phone with her. I’m on the phone in the
police station in Serbia telling a police captain’s
girlfriend in German what happened to me
when I got arrested by their Secret Service, telling
her this ridiculous story. Left out the part about
robbing a popcorn vendor. And at first she’s like, OK. I am not sure I believe
anything that you’re saying. But she’s a language teacher,
and I’m a language teacher. I’m there to teach English. So I start asking her,
look, do you know my boss? Do you know the person
who ran this convention? Do you know the person who
wrote the textbook where I did the English voiceover? Do you know the
other teachers that I met at these various
mixers for teachers when I was teaching
language in Belgrade? And that is one her
attitude changed. So since we had these
mutual connections, she actually believed
what was going on here, because she didn’t know me, but
she knew people that knew me. Again, it’s all
about relationship. She’s not buying who I was. She’s not buying the story
until she buys who I was. So she’s embarrassed. She’s embarrassed on
behalf of the country. She tells the police
captain, look, let us go. They cut us loose, and they did. And we obviously look like
we’re up to something, drunk, covered in dirt,
blood, and popcorn. And so as you can see,
the advanced social skills that are taught, this rapport,
this networking concept, the ABG, the concepts
that we talked about today and the concepts that we
teach at The Art of Charm can not only help you keep
your job, get a new job, start your business, keep
your side also going, or just help you advance
in your personal life. But they’re actually the
reason I’m still kicking and talking to you here today. And that is my time. Thank you so much. This has been a real honor, and
I appreciate your attention. [APPLAUSE]

31 thoughts on “Jordan Harbinger: “Art of Charm: Social Capital – People Buy You” | Talks at Google

  1. This is an incredible amount of content packed in just 1 hour! I'm at at that early stage of life of learning how business, the market, and society works and Jordan Harbinger has been essential to my early 20's upbringing. Listening to the podcast is like having the wise father I never had. Really appreciate his service

  2. Great stuff. I'm going to head over to your podcast. What would your advice be when someone doesn't have a network and is in a dead end job? I feel I'm so far from the career that I want and I don't know how to get there….

  3. Good stuff Jordan thought this was going to be podcaster mumbo jumbo but it was really good…and happy to see fellow PUA take social skills to such a high level πŸ˜‰

  4. I really liked the way he talked about using your acquaintances and networks, yet didn't go down the way of coating it in the "this-is-how-you-can-exploit-your-friends-and-family-to-become-super-successfull-in-three-simple-steps". Just be a decent human being.

  5. 0:00 intro
    12:15 power of ppl skills
    17:00 its all tbout who u know (with context)
    20:25 what introversion actually means
    23:00 homework
    24:10 practical tips> interesting pppl funds
    25:00 more benefits of ppl skills + story
    28:30 importance of dentist story
    30:00 homework> introduce ppl to each other
    33:00 give but also ask for stuff in return. but give more value though
    35:00 u are who u hang out with
    36:15 if ppl have some value but u are sketchy about them dont hang out with them. it will come back and bite u

  6. this guy's a phony, he talks about 'social' bullshit but it's totally worthless and irrelevant. sure, you have to be crazy like him if you want to do stupid stuff like spy on other countries and get kidnapped (dont spy=dont get kidnapped, wow!), but for normal sane people getting a girlfriend is saying hi, making friends doesnt have to be learned. this guy's an idiot

  7. Have never listened to this guy's podcasts but after this talk I never will. Yet another sociopath selling bullshit and taking advantage of gullible people. I probably wouldn't have commented on this but the Serbia story bordered on ridiculous. I highly doubt there are any elements of truth in it whatsoever. Surprised Google would even invite him to speak.

  8. I thought I was watching a social skills talk but then had to listen about this strange experience in Serbia.
    Couple of bad apples like these "secret service" agents arent the whole story, quite the opposite.
    And the fortress you mention is not Ottoman. If you are talking about the Exit festival, it is an Austro Hungarian fortress.
    On a side note, I know about a country where people are shoot by police quite often. Hint: it is not Serbia.

  9. The art of charm is run by one of the least socially conscious, rude and offensive people I have ever met in the industry.

  10. Practically no useful content. Save yourself an hour and watch something else. This could have been a 5 minute TED talk. The only takeaway is reach out to people who might be of help before you need the help.

  11. Hey Jordan, first off I am great fan of your show, finally get to see the gist of struggles and hardship you might of gone that made who you are and making a successful podcast
    Second off, thanks for trying to acknowledge every comment for your video, hardly seen anyone did that.

  12. Jordan – you are relate to so many people around the world. Thank you very much for amazing knowledge!

  13. Google audience are always the same it doesnt matter who is the speaker, maybe they are brilliant with computer but 99% of them are gonna die fat, bored and alone!.

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